i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
