sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
