i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
