my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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