I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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