I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
