I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize