Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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