he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
