I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
