all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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