this boner is exhausting
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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