do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
