I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
