I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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