It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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