Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
