I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
