can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
