When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
