I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
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