Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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