I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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