Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
