Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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