We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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