ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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