walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
only you would photoshop your dick
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
