Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
