I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
