And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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