I want to walk on stilts...naked
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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