i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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