I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
