Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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