new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
