i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
