so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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