I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
