3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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