fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
