I need to stop coming to work sober
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
