Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
