I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
