I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
