U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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