I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize