i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
