I need to stop coming to work sober
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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