Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
