I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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