Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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