yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
