Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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