sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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