AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
