I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Randomize