Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
